I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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