I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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