I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
