I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
