I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
