I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
