My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
