dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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