My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
