last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
