Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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