i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
