I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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