I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
