At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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