Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
