I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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