She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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