The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
