yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
