Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
