he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
