Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
