you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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