im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
