batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
