you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
