I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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