life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
