Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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