Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
