My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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