I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
