Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
