sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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