If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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