mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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