He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
