Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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