Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
