The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
