so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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