I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
