grandma shit on top of the toilet
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
