Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
