do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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