Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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