Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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