everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
