Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
