Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
