Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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