I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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