FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
